Dfference between wife & girlfriend

Lesson: Choose a TV

1. Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)

2. At home you watch your TV, but when you go out, you bring your HP.

3. When you have no money, you sell your TV. When you have extra money you change your HP.

4. Sometimes you enjoy watching TV, but most of the time you play around with your HP.

5. TV is free for life but HP, if you do not pay, the services will be terminated.

6. TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.

7. Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding.

8. Most Important, TV has a remote. HP doesn't have any.

9. Last but not least TV does not have any virus, but HP yes especially when you turn-on the Bluetooth device. Once the virus executes, your HP will be "dead".

Be truthful to your wife

Lesson : Always tells your wife the truth

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3:00am and says,

"Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry.

"Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

His wife said... "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and she shouted...

"You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

How do you get to heaven?

Lesson: Can't fool those Scottish kids

I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!". By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old boy from Paisley ( Scotland ) shouted out....

"YOU'VE GOT TAE BE F**KIN' DEAD!"