Australian Businessmen and a Japanese Tourist

Lesson : Don't make fun of foreign tourists

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window and had a peek,

In a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

Tabiat Suami Melalui Ciuman

Lesson: Just for laugh

Kenali tabiat suami melalui bahagian yang di suka cium:

Suka cium dahi isteri = suami yang romantis.

Suka cium pipi isteri = suami yang penyayang.

Suka cium mulut isteri = suami yang gelojoh.

Suka cium tengkuk isteri = suami yang mata keranjang.

Suka cium telinga isteri = suami yang sensitif.

Suka cium leher isteri = suami yang penyabar.

Suka cium buah dada isteri = suami yang suka bermanja.

Suka cium tangan isteri = suami yang hipokrit.

Suka cium ketiak isteri = suami yang menerima isterinya seadanya.

Suka cium (tut - censored) isteri = suami yang pemalu.

Suka cium punggung isteri = suami yang suka bergurau.

Suka cium kaki isteri = suami yang terlalu menghormat isteri.

Tidak suka cium mana-mana bahagian badan isteri = suami yang mementingkan diri.

Dan Yang Terakhir...

Suka cium seluruh bahagian badan isteri = suami yang baru balik dari outstation.

Petua cover malu selepas terjatuh

Lesson: Can be implemented if necessary

1. Kalau tersepak batu:
Jangan terus bangun, sebaliknyer anda baring dan terus berguling-guling hingga jauh dari perhatian ramai... lepas tu baru bangun bila takde orang nampak..

2. Kalau terjatuh beskal:
Cepat-cepat naik beskal anda semula dan jatuhla lagi sehingga berkali-kali supaya orang ingat anda saje-saje buat lawak.

3. Kalau terjatuh tangga:
Terus bersilat seolah-olah anda dirasuk atau sedang berlawan dengan makhluk halus...

4. Kalau terjatuh dalam longkang:

Pungutlah sampah yang ada sambil marah-marah dengan suara yang kuat, pasti orang menyangka anda seorang yang amat prihatin terhadap kebersihan.

5. Kalau jatuh ketika nak naik bas:
Jeritlah kuat-kuat... " Oi! apa tolak-tolak ni?" walaupun tiada orang di blakang anda.

6. Kalau terjatuh di depan bus stop:
Terus buat-buat pengsan sehingga ada orang membantu anda..kalau takde..baring
terus sampai malam dan takde orang lagi kat bus stop tu...haa...ni lah masa sesuai untuk bangun semula.

7. Kalau jatuh tergelincir kat lantai licin:
Tarik la kawan (atau sesiapa yang ada kat sebelah anda) untuk jatuh bersama-sama supaya tak lah anda sorang je yang dapat malu...ye tak?

Petua ini adalah rekaan semata-mata, kalau nak ikut, anda pikirlah
sendiri.

Carmen, why did you do this to me?

Lesson: Don't let a celebrity have a crush on you

Dear Carmen,

I found out about this from a friend of mine. How could you do this to me? It's over remember? I know how special I was to you, and how cute I am, but you don't have to tell the whole world about it.

C'mon... Move on girl!!! Now I'm a married man. I got a son, I got a wife.

http://www.celebritydumpster.com/view.html?id=182415

p/s: You'd better go to Miami Ink and get that tattoo brushed-off !!!

A Blonde and her doctor

Lesson: If in doubt, ask!

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks", said the doctor. "The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds", he added. The blonde, in doubt, then says "OK Doc, i'll see ya later".

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds!!! “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” the blonde says.

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor. “No, from skipping”, says the Blonde.

A Blonde buying Television

Lesson: You should have basic knowledge on electrical appliances.

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain.

“I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes”, he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair. She then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes”, he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me”, she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she went back to the appliance store.

She approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes”, he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave”, he replied.

Brazillian Soldier

Lesson: Mathematic and brain are essentials

President of the United States of America, Mr. George Bush is sat in the oval office in the famous White House one morning, reviewing the Iraq situation with his generals. The door opens, an aide walks in.

"Bad news I'm afraid, Mr. President. We have just had word that 3 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq", the aide reported.

"Are you sure, officer?", asked Bush in great shock.

"Absolutely Mr. President, the reports have been verified.", the aide firmly answered.

All of a sudden, President Bush drops to his knees and puts his face in his hands, and starts sobbing with grief. It was absolutely inconsolable. The President seems to have taken the news incredibly badly. All that the assembled generals can hear from the president is a mumbled "Oh my god... oh my god..., I can't believe this... "

Eventually, President Bush looks up to his Deputy, Mr. Dick Cheney through teary eyes from where he is kneeling and asks, "Exactly... can you tell me how many is a brazillion, Dick?"

Sleeping during sermons

Lesson: Don't poke your husband's leg with a needle when he's asleep.

One day Angelina went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverand, I have a problem, my husband, Brad, keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?", she said.

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Brad is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Angelina sat beside his husband. As expected, Brad dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Angelina.

"Jesus!!!", Brad cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Brad," said the minister.

Soon, Brad nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Angelina.

"Oh God!!!" Brad cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again, Mr. Brad" said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Brad again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Angelina mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Angelina poked her husband, who then yelled, "Please! You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time... and I'll break it in half... and shove it up your ass!!!".

"Amen....." replied the congregation.

John & His Boss

Lesson : Give your staff proper advises

John is an office boy, a married man at the age of 36. He works for an engineering company in the city. One day, he calls in to work, engaging to his boss and says,

"Good morning boss, I am not coming to work today, I am really sick."

His boss replies, "Whats wrong with you?"

John says, "I got a headache, a stomachache and my legs hurt. I won't be able to come to work."

The boss says, "You know John, actually I really need you today to run errands for me. Anyway, let me give you my personal health advise. When I feel sick like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

"Thanks Boss", John says and subsequently hangs up.

Two hours later John calls again, "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great. I will be at work soon"

His boss replies, "See? I told you it would work"

Before John hangs up, he says, "Thank you boss. By the way, you got a nice house."

Pok Mat & his birds

Lesson : Always ask the right question

In a peaceful village outskirt of Janda Baik, Pahang, there is an old man by the name of Pok Mat whose hobby is rearing birds. One fine morning, Pok Mat realized that all his birds were stolen. Having a thought that the incindent is too much for him to keep to himself, he then organized a gathering for the entire villagers.

Pok Mat asked all the villages, "Does anyone here have birds?" The entire male villagers stood up.

Realizing his mistake in phrasing his question, he then asked "That is not what I mean. I want to ask, has anyone here seen birds?"..... The entire female villagers stood up.

With a red face, realizing that his question is still not as what he has in mind, he then asked "I am very sorry, that is not what I mean. Has anyone here ever seen birds which are not owned by oneself?"... Nearly half the female villagers stood up.

Pok Mat's face is now turning red and he began to panick."Apologize again... err... what I mean is... has anybody here ever seen my birds?"… Pok Mat's wife stood up, together with two other elderly ladies at the far corner of the crowd.... This time his wife's face turns chilli-red.

Pok Mat immediately disappears into the bushes!!!

Sex, Martian Style...

Lesson : Do not have sex with aliens

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,'says Maureen.

'Why? What's the matter?' he asks.

She replies, 'Well,it' s just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long!

'Well,' she says, 'That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman!

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!!'

Dfference between wife & girlfriend

Lesson: Choose a TV

1. Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)

2. At home you watch your TV, but when you go out, you bring your HP.

3. When you have no money, you sell your TV. When you have extra money you change your HP.

4. Sometimes you enjoy watching TV, but most of the time you play around with your HP.

5. TV is free for life but HP, if you do not pay, the services will be terminated.

6. TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.

7. Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding.

8. Most Important, TV has a remote. HP doesn't have any.

9. Last but not least TV does not have any virus, but HP yes especially when you turn-on the Bluetooth device. Once the virus executes, your HP will be "dead".

Be truthful to your wife

Lesson : Always tells your wife the truth

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3:00am and says,

"Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry.

"Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

His wife said... "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and she shouted...

"You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

How do you get to heaven?

Lesson: Can't fool those Scottish kids

I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!". By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old boy from Paisley ( Scotland ) shouted out....

"YOU'VE GOT TAE BE F**KIN' DEAD!"